From: Neil Richmond, Assistant VP of Relations, Marketing, and Workflow Management

Re: Taking It To the Next Level

I’d like to take a moment to introduce all of our employees to a new rollout we’ll be implementing in the next few days that will in fact, as the subject of this memo suggests, take it to the next level. I am very, very excited about what’s in store, and you should be, too.

First of all, it’s important that you understand that I know that many of you are already taking it to the max. That notwithstanding, I think we can all agree that, if we give 110%, we may find that the max is actually just the minimum of a new frontier. I’ll give you a minute to think about that one, because it’s pretty heady stuff, but I think internalizing that imagery could really change the way you approach future challenges. I like to picture a mountain climber who thinks he’s reached the peak of a mountain only to realize it’s the base of a higher mountain—but you should picture whatever works for you. I could provide a few suggestions if you need some help.

At any rate, many of the new protocols are designed to not only optimize our human capital, but link not only our external silos, but our internal silos. Let me say that again: the new protocols are designed to not only optimize our human capital, but to link not only our external silos, but our internal silos as well. Feel free to reread that sentence until a clear image appears to you in your mind that speaks to the synergistic nature of that action. Silos work, but I’ve also used two train cars attaching front to back, or a pair of doves making love.

What does all this mean for me, you’re wondering? Lots of things, all of them great. First and foremost, it means that we’ve completely got your back. We want you to be as successful as you can be, which might mean taking it to the max, as previously stated, but is more likely linked to your inspiration/perspiration ratio and your ability to recognize your limit (the sky) and your aim (the stars).

There’s been a lot of talk around the water cooler about how this move is the equivalent of a game changer; nothing could be further from the truth. Taking it to the next level need not result in a paradigm shift, as long as we all commit to maintaining our laser-focus on keeping it real. Sometimes I’ll imagine myself as Neo from The Matrix when I want to feel particularly intense (which might help explain my impassive stares at your cutlery in the dining room), but any character from either Tron is a good choice as well.

Please feel free to approach me with comments or questions, or to add your own ideas or imagery to this next level policy. There is no “I” in “team,”, but that doesn’t contradict the fact that “I” is, in fact, the first, fifth, and ninth letter in the word “inspiration.”

Best,

Neil

As you know, my daughters are getting older—they’re eight and nine now—and I’m not getting any younger, and my husband and I are thinking about trying one more time for a boy. So I thought I could run some of the pros and cons by you and you could give me your thoughts on the matter—you’ve always been so sensible. Here goes:

Pro #1: I would finally be able to give up on that silly anthropology PhD idea I’ve been kicking around for the last decade. With the girls less dependent on me, it’s starting to feel like I might actually be able to reinvest in my own intellectual growth and interests. But having a newborn baby that needs my constant care and attention would be a helpful reminder that this whole plan is half-baked and ridiculous. Anyway, like my husband says, if your goal is to write a book of pop anthropology that ends up on a best-sellers list, you don’t need a PhD, you just need to be Malcolm Gladwell.

Pro #2: As you know, when pregnant, I come down with a rare disease known as cholestasis. Basically my liver is allergic to being pregnant and it releases bile into my bloodstream, making me itch horribly all over my body with no possibility of relief. There’s nothing like pervasive bodily discomfort so intense it makes you wish you were dead to make you feel alive. I miss that.

Con #1: My husband and I never watched The Wire when it was on, and we were thinking about starting with season one soon. It seems like watching The Wire and having a baby are two things that just take up too much time and emotional energy to do at the same time, but if we wait until after we’re done watching all five seasons, I might already be barren. Tough call.

Con #2: The remote possibility of cannibalism. What if my daughters see a brother as a disturbance of their female domination of our familial tribe and eat him to neutralize the threat? I know this is a long shot, but I’m a mother, so I worry.

Anyway, let me know what you think when you get a chance—but, you know, sooner rather than later.

Awaiting your reply, 

Rachel

The Instructions Left by The Hipster Parents You Babysit For

•    Will be in city; location uncertain—check our tweets for 4sq updates.

•    Kids can watch 90’s indie films (Hal Hartley and Jim Jaramusch are faves) or Disney, if they watch it ironically.

•    Leftovers in the fridge—warm up the bacon-ginger fritters in cast-iron skillet for best flavor!

•    Petunia’s bedtime = 9 PM; Argus doesn’t like to be restricted by authority, so just keep him safe till he crashes out. Sometimes his drum set soothes him.

•    You can listen to any of the DAT tapes we have around the house. Sit in the bean bag chair in the center of the room for best acoustics.

•    Help yourself to our stash after the kids are asleep, but FYI: it’s from this rare strain of seeds that our guy got from his friend who’s in the Peace Corps in Guatemala so it’s very pure and potent.

•    Big tip: Treat the kids like your friends, not like your charges (that’s what works for us!).  Rock ‘n roll!

—Melissa and Doug

Dear America:

    Merry Christmas 2010 from all of us at the North Pole. Although the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is usually a time reserved for last-minute gift manufacture, wrapping, and shipping, and not generally a time for the implementation of new administrative policies, this year’s outgoing Lame Elf Congress has taken it upon itself to forward multiple acts of groundbreaking legislation that will take effect after New Years and will impact your 2011 Christmas experience. The most historical of these changes, as you all know, is the repeal of Santa’s millennia-old Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for North Pole employees.

    Beginning on Jan. 1, 2011, these hard-working and, yes, homosexual elves, reindeer, and even the occasional domesticated Arctic fox, will be able to live openly and proudly, side-by-side with their hetero counterparts. As Christmas 2010 comes to a close, we salute their courage, and invite you to take a few minutes to look over some of our projections for how this change may affect you, the American Christmas consumer, both this Christmas, and in Christmases to come:

1. Beginning on Jan. 1, 2011, all letters to Santa should be written in gender and sexual-orientation neutral language. A common violation of this protocol might be found in requests such as “Santa, please give me a Ken so that one of my many Barbies can get married.” Instead, encourage your child to consider whether any of her Barbies might not be happier marrying each other, and go from there.

2. Santa’s hetero-normative relationship with Mrs. Claus will be celebrated as only one of many loving relationship alternatives found on the North Pole. In order to stress this, the North Pole will be introducing a second couple into the Christmas Administration: Michael, the Head Elf, and his life partner, Todd. Please plan to have frank and open conversations with your children about Michael and Todd, whom we will begin to feature at malls, in holiday specials, and on commemorative US postal stamps.

3. To show his absolute support for his GLBT workers—and friends—Santa has made a special video greeting, which he will be placing in all stocking this year in anticipation of the changes that will go into effect in the New Year. The greeting contains Christmas wishes, as well as a frank discussion of gender and sexual-orientation from St. Nick himself. The film, which runs a half an hour, is accompanied by a supplemental set of age-appropriate discussion questions. If you have not already done so, please make sure to enjoy this material with your families in an open and safe emotional space.

Thank you for all of your support for Christmas over the years. It is only in partnership with you, the parent, that Santa can continue his important work. As we look forward toward a bold new century, we are proud of our progressive new agenda, and we are confident that these changes will make Christmas a happier, safer, and…merrier time for all.

Sincerely,

The Office of the Santa